Can Parents Have Passion Too?

What is the School of Marital Arts for Couples with Kids?

The School of Marital Arts is a six week program designed to bring your relationship from just surviving to thriving. This is not your typical "I hear you saying _____," reflective listening bs, or simply teaching you to use I statements. This six week program is based on Dr. Colleen's cutting edge approach to couples therapy based on the idea that our deepest relationships push us to grow in ways most of us are resistant to. Through this program, you will be challenged to grow and connect in ways you never thought possible.

Over the course of this program you will learn:

  • The reasons why parents often disconnect with each other and how to reconnect once and for all
  • How to create better boundaries within the home so that you are both no longer just defined as "mom" or "dad"
  • How to identify past parenting trauma from your childhood and create corrective emotional experiences towards healing
  • The principles of well-being that go into making us more balanced individuals capable of maintaining more balanced relationships
  • The main causes of divorce/breakups and how we can avoid them.
  • How to look at family patterns and how they affect you and your partner(s) in relationships.
  • How to identify your primary growth points that are being challenged and how to overcome emotional gridlock in your relationships.
  • How to identify and transform long term behavioral patterns that cause disconnection.
  • The principles that transform relationships and allow couples to continuously rebuild throughout a lifetime.
  • How to re-vamp a stale or non-existent sex life.
  • How to cultivate one's own sexual desire or get it back.
  • Having the hard talks: How to navigate difficult but necessary conversations.
  • Knowing when to fold them- identifying key deal breakers in a relationship.

S.o.M.A Average Self Help Course Cost = $299 for 6 weeks = $50/week                      

Traditional Couples Therapy = $250/session (per week)

The JLo Effect

After watching Jennifer Lopez and recent on again off again boyfriend Casper Smart's video, I was mesmerized. JLo is captivating. The beats, the rhythm, the CGI effects, taut tummies, flowing hair, and golden bronzed bodies all moving to the celebratory beat that JLo gets to "dance again." 

It doesn't take a genius to figure out Ms. Lopez is not referring to the fact that she is dancing again, but that she is passionately having sex again with a boy, 18 years her junior. Some of the lyrics of the song go:

(YEAH MAKE LOVE TONIGHT)
So many ways wanna touch you tonight
I'm a big girl got no secrets this time
Yeah I, love to make love to you baby
(YEAH MAKE LOVE TONIGHT)

[Jennifer Lopez: Chorus]
If this would be a perfect world
We'd be together then
(LET'S DO IT DO IT DO IT)
Only got just one life this I've learned
Who cares what they're gonna say
(LET'S DO IT DO IT DO IT)

The song is a tempting look into the life of many celebrities. A constant euphoric high of adoring fans, larger than life personas, yes-men entourages, unending funding for the "best" things life has to offer. So why would that stop at marriage? Why not just throw the husband out with the bath water if he isn't making you feel like everyone else is? 

Jennifer Lopez has jumped from relationship to relationship with the false belief that one day she will find her happiness inside of another person. When the novelty slows down, when the passion stops, when the mundane duties of daily living overburden the excitement that comes from new love- J Lo gets going. 

Unfortunately, so do many others. This video, although captivating - can send a false belief to millions. It wasn't Wesley Snipes (1994-1995), Chris Paciello, Tommy Mattolla, David Cruz1995-1996, Ojani Noa (Married) 1996-1998 (Divorced), Joaquin Cortez 1998, Puff Daddy/P Diddy- 1998-2001,Chris Judd (married) 2001-2003 (Divorced), Ben Affleck- 2002-2004, Marc Anthony (married) 2004- 2011 (Divorced) that caused her to "not dance," it was she, herself that did this.

Are we really to believe that 24 year old Casper Smart is such a dynamic charismatic personality that he finally made JLo "dance again?" or is it more that JLo couldn't handle the emotional load that marriage actually requires? 

Marriages are "people-growing machines," as David Schnarch puts it. The actual presence of arguments, decreased love-making, and discord is not a sign that you are with the wrong person, but that you are actually right on track. Marriages are designed to call out the best in us to identify where the worst in us gets us stuck. 

People don't like that their partners all of the sudden are people and not the idealized imagos we developed when we first met. How dare he want to go play golf on our weekend? What does she actually do during the day while I am slaving away at the office all week? Why wouldn't he stick up for me when his mom told me how to raise our child?

The idea that we must first become whole before becoming someone's other half, couldn't be more true in JLo's case. She must first be able to stand alone and define her own happiness before she can ever truly pick out the right complement. When you are in a long term relationship and feel that you are no longer "dancing," it is your responsibility to fill your dancing card- and not with a list of potential new suitors, but with a list of activities that can serve to re-invigorate you, re-ignite you, and re-kindle the passion and vigor you once felt for life. If we are bored, we are usually being boring people. 

This all being said, I do believe there are certain people that for numerous reasons have truly grown apart. I have witnessed clients who, after raising children with their spouses, wake up to realize the person sleeping on the other side of the bed is a stranger. Somewhere along the way they lost touch, they stopped communicating, they stopped caring. Many times one partner is so tunnel focused on being "right," that they miss the boat completely on being "happy." They may go to bed at night feeling justified, redeemed, or "right," but they are now sleeping alone. 

Further, I do not endorse trying to "communicate" more when one partner is being unfaithful, using drugs/alcohol, or is being abusive. There are certain limits that one should not put up with in order to maintain a marriage.

Many clients will ask me, "how do I know if we have a shot?" I will often ask "do you want to have a shot?" Most may not know the answer to that question, but they can say "I want, to want to have a shot," and that is where we start. 

When we are confronted with yin to our marital yang, the jealousies, the resentments, the emotional distancers, and pursuers, the negotiations, bargaining- we must again remind ourselves that marriage is truly a verb and a commitment to cultivating your best self, your most evolved self. When the going gets tough and we get going- we cheat ourselves out of all of the many beautiful ways our selves and our relationship with each other can develop beyond our wildest imaginations, if only given the right nutrients- patience and love.